Throw Away The Handicap Parking Sticker

by Sheryl Kurland

Have you ever seen a driver with a handicap-parking sticker on his/her car park in a handicap space, then get out and look perfectly fine?  Grrrrr, it's maddening.  Granted, the person may have a non-visible ailment, but in many cases, the he/she is being abusive of the space.  In marriage and relationships, we are equally guilty of abusing handicap parking. 

I can't enjoy myself at the family reunion because my husband doesn't get along with my mother; I get so mad when my wife spends money on things that I think are frivolous; We always end up in a fight over how our son should be punished for misbehavior; I get angry that my boyfriend insists on blasting the TV volume...any of these situations ring a bell in your relationship?

What are issues between the two of you that continuously reoccur and always end up in a stalemate?  These repetitive problems maintain sustenance because neither of you are willing to devise a compromise or negotiate a resolution; you have acquired a handicap.  Just like the driver who pretends to have an illness and cheats by parking in the handicap space when he shouldn't, both you and your spouse/significant other have fabricated a paralyzing condition and erroneously parked in the handicap zone.  In a relationship in which both individuals are handicapped, things spin out of control and there is only one outcome: anger and bickering.

When you disagree with your mate, the catalyst is usually viewpoints that are polar opposites, dissimilar logic, conflicting values, lack of information, or differing degrees of knowledge.  You're each parked in different positions or perspectives.  Overcoming the handicap can actually be fairly easy by applying your choice of the following tools:

·         Use the peeler: Stop and analyze what the real problem is.  For example, your association is not just that your husband likes the TV volume too loud, but also the connotations you attach to it: He doesn't respect me; he's selfish; if he really loved me, he'd stop doing xyz; etc.  Peel away all the connotations because the fact is, none likely hold truth.  Instead, both of you focus solely on the core problem, and both of you create suggestions to solve it.  (The TV volume disagreement was a problem in my marriage, and the way we solved it is my husband bought a good pair of headphones for TV listening.  Now he can blast all he wants in surround-sound.  When I want to converse with him, I simply get his attention by tapping him.)

·         It's my way or the highway - sometimes.  In areas of disagreement that routinely show up and for which there is absolutely no middle ground, take turns giving in.  Perhaps alternate by week or month.

·         Use the 80%-20% Rule: When one individual feels more strongly about a position, allow him/her 80% of what's desired and the other person gets 20%.  In a healthy relationship, nature will take its course and you'll have equal balance, alternating the percentage-allotment over time.

·         I call this meeting to order: Hold a meeting with just the two of you, and bring pen and paper.  Start by clearly articulating and agreeing upon the problem.  Each of you write 3 possible solutions.  Discuss all 6 ideas.  You'll likely be able to blend recommendations, and ultimately, devise a resolution.

·         Dig deep: Look inward and evaluate yourself.  Are you being unrealistically stubborn?  Are you actually a cause of the problem?  Can you take initiative to modify things for the better or do something different?  Make reasonable changes - be more innovative, more flexible, more independent, or even perhaps, more realistic.

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Sheryl Kurland is author of the elegant coffee-table book Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More.  Perfect for an engagement, wedding or anniversary gift, Everlasting Matrimony can be purchased at www.everlastingmatrimony.com.