The Gumball Fix

By Sheryl Kurland

Over the course of any marriage, every spouse does or says things that makes the other think How could he do this to me? or If she really loved me, she wouldn't have said that or This is so hurtful, I can't believe this is the man I married.  Often times, we are told to simply Forgive and forget.  Period.  For most of us, this really doesn't work.  Things fester and fester, and resurface and explode sometime later.  The good news is: There is a once-and-for-all solution to recovery. It's called The Gumball Fix.

            For ease of explanation, let's use an example from a husband's vantage point - and you're his wife.  Now, envision a large, empty container.  Day in and day out, you consciously make an effort to do and say many kind things to your husband.  Examples might include unexpected favors; hugs for reasons as well as no particular reasons; calling him at work just to say I'm thinking about you and want to see how you're day is going; mailing him funny cards or hiding a sexy note in his pants pocket so he'll be surprised when he finds it; saying Thanks for unloading the dishwasher, I think you're such a hunk in those ratty shorts, I'm still glad I married you; and so forth.  With every one of these acts, more and more gumballs fill the container.  Over time, you continuously strive to keep the container full or near-full.  A filled container translates to a healthy, strong, happy and robust relationship between the two of you.

            Lo and behold, along comes the day when you cause harm by doing something mean or saying something hurtful, making your husband upset and angry.  As a result, gumballs are removed from the container.  However, there is such an abundance of  gumballs that you have a cushion.  The relationship suffers only temporarily, i.e., he knows in his heart that you still love him deeply.  You apologize (sooner rather than later) and take the time to discuss the problem at hand.  Thus, he may not forget what you did, but the large amount of remaining gumballs makes it is easy to forgive and move forward - together.

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Sheryl Kurland is author of the elegant coffee-table book Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More.  Perfect for an engagement, wedding or anniversary gift, Everlasting Matrimony can be purchased at www.everlastingmatrimony.com.